Dream

Last night, I had the naked dream.
You know the one…
There was a funny twist.
I was speaking at some random theater. Unbeknownst to me, some scandalous photos on my phone somehow projected onto the enormous screen behind me. You can imagine the panic when I realized these pictures were being projected for everyone to see. Instead of trying to hide myself, like the standard naked dream, I was in a futile struggle with my phone. This super sized techno-abomination was at war with me. I was unable to do the simplest of tasks as though I’d never before seen an iPhone, and I lost full control of my seemingly disembodied thumbs.
You know how these dreams go,
Your subconscious wants you exposed.
Curious, right?
Feel free to psychoanalyze if you’d like, but my immediate take away is that the dream stems from some level of insecurity.
Insecurity is a zinger.
I wonder if there is an equivalent to a Kinsian type scale for insecurity?
A scale that identifies your insecurity somewhere between the range of relatively harmless and devastatingly destructive?
I think all of us struggle with insecurity at some level.
What I’m interested in is how insecurity manifests into destructive pathologies and how to effectively reveal and heal these deeply damaging aspects of our psyche.
My own insecurities were deeply, maybe even pathologically, connected to worrying about what others were thinking of me.
The root of this insecurity was attached to a lack of concrete personal identity. It was through exhaustive self analysis that I was able to break through this identity crisis and see my destructive shadows.
My insecurity lead me on a manic quest to create an image of myself that projected pride via the persona of an endurance athlete.
This was all relatively simplistic, but yet, effectively intoxicating.
Peddling images of grandeur.
Excessive cycling and xc skiing also became an opiate of sorts for me. I could crush my pain, whether it be anger or anxiety, with physical pain. Pain that was almost euphoric in comparison to the complexities I was processing.
Many of those moments, dipping into the well of sadistic euphoria, were also remarkably positive; supplying me with hours and hours of meditative contemplation. This level of extreme exercise opened me up to experiences that I would never have had. Insights that exposed me to non-physical realities. Realities that taunted me into exploring the non-physical realms some refer to as spiritual.
I’d argue all of this made me a smarter and better person. In ways, my mental health was stabilized by these activities. A mental health that wasn’t all that healthy.
But my dirty little secret always lurked right around the corner.
My pride was out of check, and I was becoming all too aware of it.
Every accomplishment was tainted by the deep desire to exploit it.

Social stations, fixed by maintaining future fixes.

This realization, I discovered, was intertwined into every facet of my being.
Revealing a plethora of Pandoras and her boxes.
These revelations toppled towers built on fragile foundations.

So, here is the thing.
This is what we all do.
We tell stories to ourselves and others layered with profusions of projections.
We are owned by ego.
An unhealthy relationship with ego is the root of our dis-ease.
It’s the root of lust, gluttony, and greed.
It’s the root of wrath, envy, and pride.
It’s the sloth we succumb to.

Insecurity is something we all could do with a little less of, don’t you think?
It’s certainly something I’d like a little less of.
I hope to dismantle the divisiveness that divides us.

Recognizing the root of insecurity is the best place to start.
Ego postures itself as security.
Ego and insecurity go hand in hand.
Insecurity and ego are the dis-ease.
If you can fathom this, our stories and our truths are our greatest enemy.
Even though we believe them to be our fiercest friend.

Insecurity stems from a nagging notion,
Down really, really, deep,
We all know,
That none of us really know.
All the while, we masquerade as though we do.

There are those who will go to great lengths to prove their platform. People will cite great scholars and their beloved histories. They will cite their gods and glorious scriptures proclaiming theirs to be the sole and rightful truth. Accredited scientific doctrines will be cited as absolute truths and be presented as proof of their position. Some will even wittingly employ half truths and junk science to support their claims.

If your triggers are being touched,
If you’re feeling anger,
Or if see yourself pointing fingers,
That’s ego.
The more driven we are by belief, the more likely we are to encounter destructive pathologies and oppositional characters.
Insecurity discourages openness to alternative possibilities.
Insecurity bolsters errant beliefs and self-righteousness.
Insecurity refuses to entertain or accept change and growth.

This can be remedied,
If we dare
Release our grasp
Of our beloved
Beliefs.

Understand ego…